Getting To Calm:
Cool-headed strategies for parenting tweens and teens
By Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D.
Website at: Getting To Calm
Introduction: Teen Difficulties
Happen to the Best of Parents
Raising an adolescent is a daunting experience. Though parents love their tween or teen, and life together may go well most of the time, when our kids come across as bratty, defiant, thoughtless or irresponsible, we can feel challenged like never before.
Very few of us sail through our children’s adolescence completely unscathed, if not because of our teen’s own actions, then because of a tricky situation, such as a social issue or a problem at school.
The good news is that most teens — especially those with caring, engaged, responsible parents — come out well-adjusted. Still, most families experience some complicated challenges stemming from their child’s growing selfhood and push for independence. Getting to Calm breaks down 14 of the most frequently encountered and normal rough patches of adolescence, offering specific strategies for resolving these difficulties successfully and, better yet, for enhancing the teen’s development in the process.
The concept of “getting to calm” is not merely about settling thorny situations, as desirable as that is for families. Rather, it pertains to a new mindset — tied to recent discoveries about teen brain development and human emotions — that helps parents make good decisions and raise thriving teens. This book explains why the first step for effective parenting is “getting to calm,” and includes techniques and approaches not only for achieving calmness but for striking gold in the teen-parent relationship.
Neuro-imaging techniques developed over the last decades have provided us with astounding discoveries regarding brain changes during adolescence. We now know, for example, that the emotional reactivity, impulsivity and risk taking of the teen years are directly associated with the neural remodeling process that begins around 12 or 13 years of age. Technology has allowed us to track brain wiring and observe how the emotional centers of teens’ brains can hijack their thinking process under certain circumstances.
Studies of the human brain can also illuminate why we adults may lose our tempers during volatile times when our kids push our buttons. Even with our fully mature brains, fear, anxiety and anger can derail our reasoning skills and our best intentions to communicate effectively with our teens. Instead of dealing with teens under the influence of highly charged emotions — ours and theirs — we need to modify our approach and calmly access our “thinking” brains. In other words, we choose and deploy cool-headed strategies for connecting with, disciplining and influencing our teens. Having high standards for teen conduct remains important, but parents who become informed about the teen brain and human emotions are in a stronger position to raise healthy, high functioning tweens and teens.
Focusing on the parent-teen relationship, Getting to Calm includes a series of scripts that bring family realities to life. Side notes explain exactly why parents in some scripts make good moves that enhance relationships and effectiveness. Other parents head down the wrong road, and the notes clarify where and how these common mistakes occur. Getting to Calm weaves information about adolescent development and family dynamics with some of the latest findings on human biology to explain why teens do the things they do, why parents often trip up in their responses and, in light of it all, how to bring out the best in teens and ourselves.
Getting to Calm is organized so that parents can turn to the material they need in a bad moment. Each chapter provides parents with the necessary tools to rectify a specific problem, but the process of achieving a calm mindset is best understood by reading this book from beginning to end.
It’s also important to note what is not in this book. Some families will face severe turmoil and extremely tough problems with their teens, with issues such as depression, eating disorders and substance addiction. Unlike the more typical 14 challenges covered in Getting to Calm, these disorders are clinical matters that require professional intervention. Likewise, there are vital issues that impact how we parent our children, such as culture, ethnicity, socio-economic status and divorce. Crucial in determining any adolescent’s experience and development, these highly complex issues can be better addressed by more specialized sources.
Though they may not always feel it, parents should be assured that they are important in their adolescent’s life — and also more influential than their teen may ever let on. Nature provides teens with a built-in thrust for independence, which helps them become competent enough to leave the nest ultimately. But it also produces all the messy behaviors that are covered in Getting to Calm. These situations trigger intense interactions and moments when even the best of parents may lose their bearings.
Despite the occasional lapse, if we can operate from a place of calm most of the time, we are demonstrating to our teens the emotional skills they will need to be successful in their own lives. By “getting to calm” we are in a better position to choose the strategies that will see us through the toughest times of the tween and teen years. And most importantly, by staying level-headed, credible and connected with our kids, we enhance a cherished relationship that holds families in good stead well beyond the teen years.
The Launching Years:
Strategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life
By Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D.
Website at: The Launching Years
You Raised Your Child to Attend College
and Be Independent. . . But Are You
Ready for the Launching Years?
Welcome to “the launching years”—that often tumultuous time between your child’s senior year of high school through the beginning years of college. It can be a roller coaster of emotions, with parents and teenagers reeling from the stress of college applications and a shift in relationship roles. Many families are taken by surprise with the challenges. Parents can find navigating the changes frustrating while trying to enjoy these last moments together at home with their child and help them prepare for the future. The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life addresses these issues and others, such as:
Managing your pangs of impending separation
Co-navigating decisions about college while managing your teen’s bouts of senioritis
Responding to “freshman freakouts” and staying connected from a distance
Handling your teen’s newfound independence and the experimentation with alcohol and sexuality that college often involves
Combining years of family therapy experience and research with engaging text and stories of families dealing with launching issues, authors Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D, and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., offer parents strategies for making this challenging transition a successful one.
Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D. is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington. A psychologist and mother of two, she lectures widely on adolescence and family behavior.
Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., a Seattle-based writer and mother of four, contributes widely to a number of parenting publications. They are the authors of The Seven-Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence and the new book Getting to Calm: Cool-headed strategiesfor parenting tweens and teens.
By Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D.
The Seven-Year Stretch:
How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence
By Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D.
Viewing adolescence in the context of the family, The Seven-Year Stretch is the first book to show parents how and why some teenagers end up well adjusted while others end up in trouble. Why are some teens impulsive rule-breakers, while others seem more mindful of right and wrong? Why do some turn to drugs and alcohol regularly, while others experiment only on occasion? Why are some families constantly battling, while others have only minor conflicts? How can parents distinguish between normal rebellion and deeper problems? In this book, Laura Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D., introduce us to a range of families—from thriving to struggling—and explain how their behavior patterns, past and present, affect the teenager’s development. Garnered from Dr. Kastner’s clinical and teaching experience, these true-to-life stories and dialogues illustrate the impact of such factors as clashing parenting styles, the temperaments of parents and children, parents’ own unresolved issues, marital dynamics, and circumstances such as divorce, financial stress, and cultural differences. With optimism and creativity, the authors explain how parents can harness their family strengths to face today’s challenges for adolescents. They look beyond the “shoulds,” describing what different parenting approaches look like and sound like in action.
By Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., and Jennifer Wyatt, Ph.D.